The Free Spiritual Retreat
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I know countless young adults who end up a little more exhausted coming out of the holidays, instead of being more rested as the holidays are supposedly intended for.
The primary reason for this: spending time with family.
Setting the stage
One of my close friends called me with one day left in his 10-day stay with his family. He lives pretty far away from them, so his effort to visit and spend vacation time with family speaks to how much he values his parents, or more accurately, tries to value his parents.
“Aatik, why am I looking forward to leaving my parents’ place after making the effort and sacrifices to come out here?”
The opportunity cost of dedicating your holidays to your parents/family is a big one - you could be vacationing somewhere, travelling the world, hanging out with friends who you don’t see often…the list is endless.
So we end up feeling entitled to a good time when we show up to our family’s home for the holidays.
He followed by saying:
“My family is more fractured by the end of the holidays than when I first showed up. Why is it always like this?”
I asked him for an example, and he hit me with the classic brown answer:
“I don’t feel like being here anymore cause of the tension that lasts for days when my parents inevitably bicker and stubbornly refuse to reconcile. You can feel the lack of love in the house. They need to reconcile cause it’s now negatively impacting me.”
Let’s get into how to cultivate happiness in this common situation.
1. Frame it as a Spiritual Retreat
Y’all have certainly heard the classic quote from Ram Dass:
If you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family.
You’re setting yourself up for failure as soon as you think visiting your family is gonna be a grand ole time. Where did this strange expectation come from?
Instead, frame it as if you’re going on a (non) silent spiritual retreat. You would literally pay money to be in an environment where you’re pushed to grow spiritually. Surprise! You can have it for free, if you’re intentional about it.
Now you’re looking out for challenging moments cause you know those are the very moments that are going to lead to growth.
2. YOU need it to happen, not them.
“They need to reconcile cause it’s now negatively impacting me.”
I challenged him on the keyword here: “they”. Do they need to? They’re surviving, getting along. It’s actually you who needs them to change, not them.
It’s more accurate to say: “I need my parents to reconcile.” That’s more honest. It’s hard to say it though - it puts all the accountability on you. But that’s a good thing - more accountability gives you a greater sense of agency. Creating positive change is now in your hands.
3. Make them aware of your situation.
Once you’ve internalized that you’re the one who needs your parents or family member to change, now’s the time to make the ask.
Usually we demand our family members to make up, for them to put in the effort, cause we believe they’re responsible for cleaning up the mess they’ve created.
But now that you’ve reframed things, you’re able to share with your parents:
“I need you to reconcile because the tension I feel at home has been really negatively impacting me. I’d really appreciate if you talked it out, for my sake.”
What does this do? Clearly outlines that the person in need is you, their child. It’s almost impossible for parents to be directly aware of their child suffering and do nothing about it.
You did your job, making them aware of what you need. But even when they’re open to talking things out, your parents aren’t necessarily capable of having such a conversation.
4. It’s in your hands.
If you want reconciliation to happen, you gotta be the one to facilitate the conversation. Especially if you’re in an Asian household, we all know that our parents’ generation isn’t exactly proficient in empathetic communication.
So once your parents are open to hashing things out, you need to be the one driving the conversation. Find a time and place where they can be most open with each other, where there’s no one around and is not close to mealtime, for example.
You’re actively holding their hand to share with one another about how each person feels. Nothing more than that. It’s probably gonna be ugly. But that’s ok. You just need to remember what you’ve set out to accomplish: them trying to reconcile the best they can so that you can rest easy.
Note that the example of reconciliation between parents is used to showcase how to be radically accountable with yourself and go about creating positive change in your household. These steps apply to any cause of tension between any family members.
Next time you spend time with family, keep in mind the 4 headers outlined here, and your expectations and communication will naturally become clearer and more in tune with reality, leading to less suffering.
